If Easter Sunday isn’t your holiday…

It’s Holy Saturday. This day of limbo usually doesn’t get a lot of limelight. It’s not the day God dies; it’s not the day He resurrects. But, it is the Easter holiday I most relate to.

The last few years, I have avoided Good Friday services, not because I don’t understand the importance, but because I feel like I live in Good Friday most of the time. Death and darkness are all too familiar.

Holy Saturday captures the limbo I usually live in- somewhere between dark death and resurrecting light-where it feels like God is dead, but He really is at work.

Continue reading “If Easter Sunday isn’t your holiday…”

New Year-Same Illness

The New Year is just around the corner. I feel the anxiety to figure out how to solve all my problems- especially concerning my illnesses. I want to commit to weekly yoga, daily meditation, a better diet, positive thinking, and so on.

The problem is when the ball drops at midnight and 2018 begins, I will still have an anxiety disorder along with depression and fibromyalgia. I won’t have all the answers for my healing. As much as I wish for some “new year, new me” motivation magic to wash over me, I am probably going to feel just as frustrated as I do now. I am trying to resist the temptation to guilt myself into another quick fix fantasy.

I just want to give us all permission to wake up January 1st and still feel stuck, sad, and anxious. Heck, I want to give us permission to panic at New Years Eve parties and just do what we need to relax that evening.

Instead, I want to take advantage of this new season to focus on being more gracious with myself. I want to give myself permission to fail, fall, and get back up again.

That’s all. I don’t need anymore expectations than I already try and put on myself. Actually, here’s to hopefully a new year with less shaming expectations and more compassion and celebrating the small things.

Surviving Seasonal Affective Disorder

Daylight Savings Time is upon us. It is cold, dark, and the holidays are just within reach.

I am learning that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD- what an accurate acronym!) is common for so many people- not just for people who are already susceptible to depression.

However, as someone who is in the midst of both a mental health and chronic illness struggle, it has been a major curve ball. Functioning has already been hard enough with the cold increasing my fibromyalgia pain. Sleep is already complicated enough without daylight savings time throwing off my circadian rhythms. Can we talk about how most of us don’t get home before it’s already dark?

Here are some ways I am  trying to counteract the effects of SAD this season:

Continue reading “Surviving Seasonal Affective Disorder”

I’m not sorry

Does anyone else find themselves constantly apologizing for everything? If there was an Olympic medal for over-apologizing, I’m sure I would at least place in the top three. I’ve recently tried to be more aware of this ingrained habit. Honestly, it’s hard to recognize because it’s just the language I’m used to speaking.

  • During and after panic attacks- “I’m sorry.”
  • Groaning loudly because of fibromyalgia- “I’m sorry.”
  • Sneezing- “I’m sorry.”
  • Someone bumps into me- “I’m so sorry.”

I could go on and on. The problem is not so much in the moment as the fundamental belief that I have to apologize for basically existing. Continue reading “I’m not sorry”